I have always viewed each new day as a fresh start, a clean slate, full of exciting potential. However, for the last year and a half my first thought each morning has not been "What wonderful joy awaits me today?" No, my first thought is always "Joshua is not here". As I rise, I picture him eating his meager dinner on the other side of the globe and I pray for God to nourish and protect his growing little body. After my breakfast I imagine him getting ready for bed and I pray that he will be comforted by someone who tells him "Your mommy and daddy are coming soon, Joshua. They are trying!" Throughout my day, I know he is fast asleep and I pray that God will give him dreams of our adoring faces, so that he will already know us and trust us the moment our eyes first meet. As I wind down my day and prepare Joshua's siblings for bed, I know he is just starting his day and I ask God to shield, guard and protect him. And as I lie in bed unable to sleep, I secretly cry and plead for God to walk with him throughout his day and infuse his little heart with a desire to know, trust and obey the God who created him with a wonderful purpose. I think the hardest part of my day is tucking 4 of my 5 children in bed each night, knowing that they are 100% aware that they are safe and snug at home, covered in warm blankets, kisses and mommy and daddy's prayers...and Joshua is not. When I leave the boys room and say "goodnight my little men, I love you", the last thing I see as I quietly shut the door is Joshua's little bed... still empty. It is made up and the covers are folded back waiting to envelope him. There is an army of stuffed animals that awaits his little arms. There are 2 big brothers who wait to comfort him if he stirs in the night. Before I fully shut the door, I always pause and look at his bed for a moment, longing for the day that he will look back at me and say "Love you too mommy. See you in the morning".
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